Nowhere Man - Face/Hannibal - Part 5

[indigo_angels]

“Yes you do! We both fucking know and I’m fed up of it never being said, always there in the background, for years now, blurring the edges, creating tension, making you run from me Face, so far that I might never have found you again...” And Hannibal had to stop because that pain was back in his chest and it was starting to crush him and he knew that eventually it would, unless he let it all out. He realised that, somewhere in all of this, he’d stopped talking about ‘we’ and ‘the team’ and started talking about ‘me’ and ‘I’ and that had been the problem all along.

 

Hannibal noted the familiar look of defiance forming on his lieutenant’s face and forced his anger away. Shouting at Face never achieved anything useful; as had been proved without a shadow of doubt over the last sixteen months. He dropped to his knees between Face’s legs, resting his hands on the soft fabric of his combats. 

 

“You ran because you don’t think you are good enough for me, and in your eyes this business with Tasha Coleman has just proved it. You think if you ever just open up and tell me everything that’s going on in your head, all your worries and your doubts, then I will see you as needy and weak and it will ruin everything we have. You wonder what’s so fundamentally wrong with you that no one has ever wanted to commit to you. Your parents, foster parents, that girl from college, Sosa. You think you’re some kind of emotional freak that can’t form relationships.”

 

Face’s eyes were wide and a single tear spilt over the edge and ran down his cheek; Hannibal reached out and wiped it away.

 

“You think I’m just using you for sex, a quick and easy fuck to ease the tension after a job, that if you try to make it anything more I’ll laugh at you for being naive. I’ll reject you. You act like everything you’ve ever been through, all the shit you’ve seen or done or had done to you, means nothing, that you can laugh it off, ‘cause you think if I ever see the pain or the scars then I’ll assume you’re weak, I won’t respect you and I won’t want you anymore. Am I hitting the mark so far?” Face just stared back and so he took a breath to try to ease the tightness in his throat and pushed on.

 

“You still think you’re bluffing your way onto this team, that somehow you’re not as good or as worthwhile as the rest of us. And because of that you take crazy risks, you pull stupid stunts to try and deflect the danger off us and draw it all onto yourself, and when I get pissed with you, you convince yourself it’s because you’ve screwed up, that you always screw up, that you are some kind of perpetual incompetent.”

 

There was a beat of silence as Face just stared at him and he fixed those eyes with his own, “But that’s not it at all, Face. It’s nowhere near the truth,” he leaned in a bit and dropped his voice to an almost whisper, “You’re not responsible for Tasha Coleman, and never were and we’ve never wanted you to leave. You’re more than good enough for me and I really wish you could just open up a bit and let me get inside your head. There’s nothing wrong with you, you are the most incredible person I have ever met, and as amazing as sex with you is, it’s certainly not all I need you for. I want nothing more than to help you with your demons, crush those nightmares that we all hear you suffer, and you’re on this team ‘cause you damn well earn it, every fucking day. And if I get pissed with you from time to time it’s because it fucking terrifies me that one day you are going to disappear, either with a bullet or an MP or into the middle of fucking freezing Montana, and I’ll never get to see you again. Never get to be with you. And I just can’t accept that.”

 

Face was silent, the edge of shame creeping into his eyes as his inner most thoughts were dissected in front of him.   

 

Hannibal reached a hand out and gently cupped the side of his face. “I’m in love with you, kid; have been for years. And I know you, I know you love me back. So why don’t we just stop trampling all over each other here and start acknowledging what we really want to do?”

 

Time seemed to stop for a moment as they stared at each other in silence, and then Hannibal leant in, holding Face’s eyes all the way, and pressed a kiss against his lips. This was a first – they’d never kissed before, it had always seemed too close, too intimate. Almost like they had to admit that what they were doing wasn’t just pressure sex, it was something else entirely. But Hannibal was sick of the lies and the hiding and now there was nothing more he wanted to do. He held for a moment, just pressing himself against Face’s immobile lips before he pulled back and stared into his eyes once more.

 

“Okay, kid?” he could hear the trepidation in his voice, “This okay?”

 

And Face nodded, just one sharp nod, but it was enough and Hannibal surged forward as he felt all his doubts and burdens slip away. This time he claimed Face’s mouth as he had always wanted to, searching out every secret corner, every hidden treasure, and to his delight, Face kissed him back.

 

The room was still cold, but the heat built between them very quickly. Hannibal managed to drag his boots off without breaking contact with Face and they retreated into the warmth under the duvet. Practised hands stripped away layers of clothing until Hannibal’s cold hands found warm smooth skin under their touch. Face jumped at the sensation and Hannibal grinned into the kiss, mumbling a quick apology before surging forward again.

 

It was very different to how it had been before, all those months ago, back in LA. There they had had warmth, no thick duvets needed there, and space to spread out, use all the bed, all the room, where it had always been dark, no eye contact, no connection, just the sex. But this was different. They huddled together under the duvet, crushed up tightly, the lights on so Hannibal could see and his gaze never left Face’s eyes the whole time. It was close and constricted, but intimate on a level that neither man had ever experienced before, and as Hannibal held Face’s gaze while he eventually slid himself home, he felt that he was going to combust with the intensity of it all.

 

He came hard and fast and Face fell with him, the strangled cry of “John!” that ripped from him as he released tightening Hannibal’s throat with emotion.

 

They slowly drifted back to earth together, wrapped up so tightly and touching in so many places that Hannibal had no idea any more where he ended and Face started. They didn’t even bother cleaning up, just stayed wrapped in each other’s warmth as they gradually slipped into sleep.

 

_________________________

 

There was a soft silence and a clean brightness to the room when Hannibal awoke that told him that it had snowed again over night. There was also a cold empty space beside him that told him that Face had gone.

 

He sat bolt upright, the cold morning air biting at his bare chest as the duvet fell away and panic surged through his body. What if Face had left again? What if he had just taken off? Could Hannibal even contemplate reliving the last sixteen months without him?

 

But then a movement in the corner of the room caught his eye and his head snapped round to see Face sat in the chair, feet up on the window sill, eyes staring out at the cold morning.

 

Hannibal took a moment to settle his pounding heart and ran a shaky hand through his hair, “Hey, kid, you okay?”

 

Face flicked his eyes over to the bed, then back out of the window, “Yeah, sure.”

 

Hannibal sighed, it was so obvious that was a lie but he chose to ignore it, “You look freezing,” Face was wearing only his trunks and the long sleeved vest, “Come and get under here.” He shifted slightly, making sure there was plenty of room in the bed.

 

Face didn’t move, “I’m not coming back Hannibal,” he muttered and somehow Hannibal just knew it wasn’t the bed he was talking about. His heart sank.

 

He felt the hopeless despair building up into anger and bit it back as hard as he could. Losing his temper was partly what had  got them into this mess in the first place, he wasn’t going to make that mistake again.

 

Instead he leaned forward, ignoring the gooseflesh prickling over his naked torso and tried to adopt his most reasonable tone of voice, “Well, okay, that’s fine then. You know that’s always been the prerogative of everyone on this team, you’re here because you want to be. If ever anyone wants to walk away,” he held out his hands, “then that’s just fine.”

 

Face shot him a quick, suspicious look, then turned back to the window.

 

“But if that’s your decision, then I think you at least owe us a reason why...” he left the sentence hanging.

 

From the chair at the window, Face frowned and shuffled uncomfortably but kept his eyes resolutely on the scene outside and his mouth tightly closed, so Hannibal pushed on. “Don’t you think, Face? Maybe we all deserve some kind of explanation?”

 

This time he shook his head, “I don’t know, boss... maybe it’s just not that easy...”

 

“Of course it’s easy Face! You just tell me what you are thinking, you just tell me why you don’t want to be on the team anymore!”

 

Face flashed a furious glare at him, “Who said I didn’t want to be on the team?”

 

Now it was Hannibal’s turn to frown, “Kid... you did, you just said...”

 

“I know what I said!” Face rose to his feet, “I said I wasn’t coming back, I didn’t say I didn’t want to!” and then he froze, suddenly realising that he had said far more than he had really intended and turned towards the bathroom.

 

Hannibal, however, was quicker, “No you don’t,” he whispered setting himself between Face and the door to the en-suite, “I need you to talk to me.” At some point in the night he had got up to go to the toilet and had retrieved his boxer shorts; he was eternally grateful for that small fact right now, this conversation was hard enough without him being buck naked for it.

 

Face tried to turn away, but Hannibal grabbed his arm and held on firmly, “Please, Face,” he knew he was starting to sound desperate, “you’ve hardly said two words since I got here, I really need you to talk to me.” Face tried to avert his eyes from his Colonel’s stare, “C’mon, kid, I talked to you last night, a lot, and everything I said was true, every damn word.”

 

Face wrenched his arm out of Hannibal’s grasp and turned his back, “Don’t Hannibal, please, you’re only making this harder...” His voice was strained, and Hannibal knew he was close to breaking, maybe if Hannibal just pushed a little harder.

 

“What am I gonna tell Murdock, then? He’s been out of his mind with worry since you walked out. How’s he gonna take it if I tell him you don’t want to come back?”

 

Face whirled round again, his eyes wide, “I never said that!”

 

Hannibal shrugged, “Well, what’s he gonna think?”

 

“I don’t know!” Face’s cheeks were flushed and his eyes shining with moisture and Hannibal knew he was so close to getting some answers, he just needed to push that tiny bit more.

 

“He’s gonna think you don’t care.”

 

“Of course I god-damn care!” Bingo. “Murdock and BA and, and... you, you’re all I’ve got in this world, you’re everything I care about!”

 

“If that were true, why would you want to leave us?” Hannibal knew he was baiting the kid, stoking up his temper, and he felt plain awful about it. But, he needed to know.

 

“Because I can’t do it anymore Hannibal! ‘I've just had enough and I can’t do it anymore!”

 

“Face-”

 

“I can’t let people get under my skin like this again! I swore to myself when I was seventeen years old that I would never let another person get close to me again, that I would stand on my own two feet, be an island, self reliant, tied to no one, a completely self-sufficient existence!”

 

Hannibal looked sadly at him, “A completely desolate existence...”

 

Face looked like he’d been slapped, “No! I...”

 

“Yes, Face! I saw you yesterday, in the diner,” he gestured wildly over his shoulder out of the window, “and that wasn’t being self reliant! That was just being damn lonely! And that’s not you! I know you! You need people, you need friends, hell, Face, you need us!”

 

“I’ve tried that!” Face was so far gone now, that tears were streaking down his cheeks and he didn’t even seem to notice, “Where did that get me, hey, Hannibal? It just finished the same way all the others did!”

 

The fight seemed to run out of Hannibal, “Face... I thought we’d been over that last night. We never threw you out, we never wanted you to leave...”

 

Face shook his head, “These last eighteen months Hannibal, I thought I’d never get through them. I thought I’d never survive... but I did.”

 

They stared at each other in silence.

 

“And if I had to do it again?” the bleakest of looks flowed across his features, “Well, I just know I couldn’t. Couldn’t survive it again, boss. Best to keep to myself.”

 

Hannibal felt his heart was breaking, “Kid, I can’t survive without you...” And it was true. What had happened over the last two years to do this to Hannibal, he had no idea, but here he was in a dingy motel room in Montana crying, actually, real tears, crying over another man. Hell, he’d not seen this one coming.

 

He’d looked up and as Face looked away he glimpsed the very same emotions in his lieutenant’s features as he knew were on his own, he reached out one hand in a final, desperate, gesture.

 

“Please Face, please come back. I swear I will never tire of you, never send you away, never leave you. Never.” The silence was thick enough to drown in. “Please... Templeton?”

 

Face raised his head and slowly met Hannibal’s eye.

 

________________________________

 

A lone figure stood at the edge of the road in front of the motel, eyes scanning up and down the road. The wind blasted right across the street into his face, bringing a fresh flurry of snow with it. Hannibal pulled up the hood of his ski jacket and tried to disappear further down into its warmth. He was fed up of this snow, of the biting cold, and never had Los Angeles seemed so appealing. It would be good to get back.

 

He looked up the road, straining through the heavy snow to try and spot BAs van. He and Murdock had gone to get gas, ready for the first leg of the journey back south, but how long were they going to be? Hannibal was bloody freezing.

 

Then at the end of the road he saw them coming and shouldered his kit bag, ready to jump in, the faster he was away from this place the better as far as he was concerned.

 

The big black van slowed to a halt in front of Hannibal and he stepped back to avoid the spray from the slush on the roadside. BA reached over and opened the passenger door for him and Hannibal climbed in as Murdock recoiled from the icy wind.

 

“You ready to go then Colonel?”

 

Hannibal glanced back over his shoulder at the motel, then turned to nod at BA, “Yeah – let’s go, big guy, I’ve had enough of this place.”

 

The van pulled out into the minimal traffic and silence descended over the occupants as they passed the town limits and headed out towards the highway.

Final Part