Lost - Final Part
Sep. 11th, 2011 11:55 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
indigo_angelsHe met Murdock in the kitchen as soon as he burst in through the door. “What are you doing down here, where's Face?”
“Upstairs still,” Murdock countered evenly, “he's been trying to sleep but those nightmares...” Murdock shook his head and Hannibal could see the effect that seeing Face's nightmares first hand had had on him. “So I'm makin' him some eggy bread, he had hardly any pizza last night.”
Hannibal frowned, “I'll go see him,” he muttered and strode to the stairs, taking them two at a time in his haste to get back to Face. Panic tugging at the edge of his composure he burst in through the door and startled Face who was busy shoving his clothes back into his bag.
For a second, there was a silence as Hannibal stared at the bag and Face looked up at him, chin tilted defiantly, then Hannibal spoke, shaking his head as he did so. “No way, kid,” their eyes met, “No way you running out on me here.”
Face just shouldered his bag. “Boss,” his voice was tired and strained, “it's not for good, just for a little while, just until I straighten my head out a bit.”
Hannibal took a step in. “Still no, absolutely not. You need to be with your friends right now.”
Taking a step back, Face hitched his jeans nervously up off his hips with one hand and tried not to meet Hannibal's eyes. “Please boss...”
“Please what? Let you suffer this on your own? Let you go off somewhere so all your doubts and dark thoughts can consume you?” He took another step in.
“You don't understand...” Face whispered letting his bag slide from his shoulder and taking another step backwards until he collided with the wardrobe doors.
“Of course I don't,” Hannibal countered, “because you won't talk to me about it.”
Face shook his head, the pain and humiliation in his eyes heartbreaking. “I can't.”
“Why?” Hannibal stepped in again, now only two metres away from him and reached his arm out but Face shied away. Hannibal felt guilty about following him in but did anyway, they needed this to come to a head. “Why?” he repeated gently, closing the distance between them inch by inch.
Face just shook his head, his eyes on Hannibal's hand as it crept closer.
“Face please,” he pleaded, “don't do this to us.”
Face looked at the carpet, “There is no 'us' anymore...”
Hannibal shook his head, “Don't say that,” he whispered.
But Face continued staring down, “It's true,” he replied.
There was a sigh followed by a long silence before Hannibal spoke up again, “Only if we let it be true. Is that what you want?”
Face clenched his fists, “Of course not! But I...”
He lapsed back into silence. “You what?” Hannibal prompted, reaching out a little further.
“Don't touch me!” Face spat at him.
Hannibal kept his voice calm, “Why not?”
Face cringed away from his reaching fingers again, “Hannibal, please...”
But Hannibal was not about to give up so easily, “I'm not letting you do this alone.” His hand was now only centimetres away from Face's arm and Face was jammed into the corner of the room between the wall and the wardrobe, nowhere left to go. At last he looked up and their eyes met, and then there was a long, low moan, like an animal in distress and Face slid down the wall onto the floor, curling up on himself as he landed in a heap. Hannibal was appalled, “Face,” he reached out to close the gap and Face twitched back.
“No...” he moaned.
Hannibal dropped to his knees in front of him, near but not touching. “Why not?” he asked again and this time Face just exploded.
His eyes, swimming in tears and wild looked right into Hannibal's. “Because he's ruined it! That's why! He's ruined me! You saw what he did to me boss, what I let him do to me! So where does that leave me now? I'm...” he searched desperately for the right word. “I'm tainted, filthy,” his eyes dropped once more, shame clouding his expression, “I'll never be clean again,” he whispered resolutely refusing to meet Hannibal's eyes, his fists clenched in front of his face.
Hannibal thought he could actually feel his heart breaking in half. “You're not, kid,” he whispered, longing to close that distance and touch. “You are the most beautiful person I have ever met, both inside and outside. Nothing he has done could ever change that.”
Face shook his head again, tears standing on his lashes. “He's made everything we have ever done putrid and foul.”
Anger bubbling just under the surface, Hannibal clenched his fists. “No he hasn't. That was what he did. What we have done is love each other, shared our love and shown our love. Right, kid? You know I love you, so, so deeply, and you love me, right?” Face nodded dumbly. “So, nothing's changed.”
There was a beat of silence. “I've changed.”
This time it was Hannibal who shook his head. “Not to me. To me you are still the same beautiful boy I love more than life.”
Face screwed his eyes closed and shoved his fist in his mouth, Hannibal moved an inch closer. “You can't love me,” the voice was almost lost in his hand.
“I can and I do and I will do forever. You just have to trust me. Do you trust me, kid?”
Face nodded, his eyes still shut tight.
“Then show me,” Hannibal whispered, “I'm not going to force you into anything, Face, ever. You need to show me you trust me.”
For a long moment, Face didn't move, but then, still crushed into the corner of the room, eyes tightly closed, he unfurled an arm and blindly stretched out, his fingers splayed, reaching out for Hannibal. “Boss,” he whispered, his voice breaking over the word, “I need you.”
His reaching fingers found Hannibal's t-shirt, latching on tightly and that first move now been made, Hannibal reacted with lightening speed grabbing Face round the shoulders and closing the gap between them, meshing their bodies together, holding Face's head against his chest, feeling the sobs that wracked his lieutenant's body as his fingers clung tightly to Hannibal's t-shirt.
“Oh, baby,” he whispered, his own throat almost too tight to speak, tears welling up from his eyes, “you've got me, for always and forever, I'm yours. Don't ever doubt that, don't ever worry, I'm yours and you're mine. I love you, kid.”
Face just clung on harder, his face buried in Hannibal's chest, sobs tearing through him as Hannibal folded himself over him and gave in to his own tears, fingers carding through Face's hair. “It'll be alright, sweetheart, I know it hurts, I know how much he hurt you, but it will be alright, together we will beat this, don't you ever doubt us.”
He leaned over and starting pressing kisses to the top of Face's head, smelling his shampoo. “You are everything to me. My sunshine, my life, the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me. I have wanted you for so, so long, since the first day I ever saw you, I think. You did things to my heart that day that can never be undone.” He paused for a moment, just loving the feel of Face pressed against him, clinging to him as he soaked Hannibal's t-shirt with his tears, he wished it was in better circumstances, but this is where they belonged, together like this, and he was damned if he was going to let Jefferson ruin this for them.
“I never thought I'd find someone I could love,” he continued, “someone who could match my drive, who could keep pace with my life, who could push me forward and pull me back when I needed it. You're that and more, Face. You inspire me, you make me a better person. Stronger, wiser, able to see the world from a whole new angle. My life is deeper and richer and infinitely more satisfying just by having you in it. And having you as my lover...” Hannibal shook his head and squeezed Face tighter, “God, Face, what I ever did to deserve that treasure, my beautiful, beautiful boy, I will never know.”
Then he had to stop and squeeze his eyes closed as he thought of all the pain that bastard had put Face through, the sweetest, kindest, purest person he'd ever met, reduced to thinking of his love for another man as putrid, it was heartbreaking in the most tragic way possible.
Slowly, as they wrapped themselves up together, the tears dried and the sobs subsided and they sat, still and silent in the quiet of the room. Time ticked on and Hannibal wondered if Face was sleeping, still crushed up against his chest, when he heard his voice, hoarse and muffled, the pain clear in every syllable. “Boss, it's true I'm not the person I was last week, and I don't know if I ever will be again.”
Hannibal kissed his soft hair again and cupped a hand around the back of his head, protecting him from the world. “If you are talking about us making love,” he whispered back, “then that has always just been the icing on the cake. I have every confidence that you will get back to being that person, and I am happy to wait however long we need to get there. Six weeks, six months, six years, baby. As long as we are together, I can wait forever.”
At those words Face shifted, lifting his red rimmed eyes up to look at Hannibal. “You are saying that now, boss, but will you feel so patient in six months I wonder?”
Hannibal just smiled at him. “Before I slept with you kid, I hadn't been with anyone at all for five years. Five whole years. You must have known that, it was all you three went on about, calling me a monk and other such endearments.”
Face returned his smile with a shallow one of his own, “Yeah, sorry about that, boss. If we'd thought it was true then we would never have said it.”
“I know, kid, don't worry about it.”
They lapsed back into silence and after a few minutes Hannibal felt Face tense slightly in his arms and waited for the next question. “But then,” Face eventually asked, his voice quiet even in the still of the room, “if we did decide that's what we wanted to do again, then...” there was another heart wrenching sob, “how could you bear to touch me now?”
“Shush, shush, shush,” Hannibal squeezed him in again, “I won't have you talk like that, sweetheart, like you are in some way tainted by what Jefferson did.”
“But I am!”
“You aren't. You are still you, beautiful and pure and just because he stole from you, it doesn't reflect on you at all. And if we decide that's what we want to do, then I will just feel honoured, all over again that you would invite me to share something so intimate with you. You're all I want, Face. For me it's you or nothing, always has been.”
At last Face lifted his head again and this time the fear and shame were gone, replaced instead by the beautiful shine of hope. “Really?” he asked, almost as if he hardly dared hear the answer.
“Really,” Hannibal reassured him, smiling through his own red rimmed eyes at the face below him.
Face adjusted his hold on Hannibal, slipping his fingers out of the death grip they had on his t-shirt and sliding his arms around the boss's waist so that he could squeeze back, meshing them even closer together. “I love you, boss,” he whispered and yet again Hannibal's throat tightened up, knowing damn well that that was the first time that Face had ever uttered those words to anyone.
“I know you do, kid, and God, I love you back.”
They slid back into silence again and within a few minutes Face's breathing was deep and even as he slept soundly in the arms of his love. Hannibal held him, watching out for the nightmares that never came and knew then that they would survive this. It would never be easy, he was no fool, but he knew they would do it; there was no way that he would let Face go the same way as Sean and Corporal Harvey. This was his boy and his love and Hannibal wasn't going to let anything get in the way of that. Not ever.
“Upstairs still,” Murdock countered evenly, “he's been trying to sleep but those nightmares...” Murdock shook his head and Hannibal could see the effect that seeing Face's nightmares first hand had had on him. “So I'm makin' him some eggy bread, he had hardly any pizza last night.”
Hannibal frowned, “I'll go see him,” he muttered and strode to the stairs, taking them two at a time in his haste to get back to Face. Panic tugging at the edge of his composure he burst in through the door and startled Face who was busy shoving his clothes back into his bag.
For a second, there was a silence as Hannibal stared at the bag and Face looked up at him, chin tilted defiantly, then Hannibal spoke, shaking his head as he did so. “No way, kid,” their eyes met, “No way you running out on me here.”
Face just shouldered his bag. “Boss,” his voice was tired and strained, “it's not for good, just for a little while, just until I straighten my head out a bit.”
Hannibal took a step in. “Still no, absolutely not. You need to be with your friends right now.”
Taking a step back, Face hitched his jeans nervously up off his hips with one hand and tried not to meet Hannibal's eyes. “Please boss...”
“Please what? Let you suffer this on your own? Let you go off somewhere so all your doubts and dark thoughts can consume you?” He took another step in.
“You don't understand...” Face whispered letting his bag slide from his shoulder and taking another step backwards until he collided with the wardrobe doors.
“Of course I don't,” Hannibal countered, “because you won't talk to me about it.”
Face shook his head, the pain and humiliation in his eyes heartbreaking. “I can't.”
“Why?” Hannibal stepped in again, now only two metres away from him and reached his arm out but Face shied away. Hannibal felt guilty about following him in but did anyway, they needed this to come to a head. “Why?” he repeated gently, closing the distance between them inch by inch.
Face just shook his head, his eyes on Hannibal's hand as it crept closer.
“Face please,” he pleaded, “don't do this to us.”
Face looked at the carpet, “There is no 'us' anymore...”
Hannibal shook his head, “Don't say that,” he whispered.
But Face continued staring down, “It's true,” he replied.
There was a sigh followed by a long silence before Hannibal spoke up again, “Only if we let it be true. Is that what you want?”
Face clenched his fists, “Of course not! But I...”
He lapsed back into silence. “You what?” Hannibal prompted, reaching out a little further.
“Don't touch me!” Face spat at him.
Hannibal kept his voice calm, “Why not?”
Face cringed away from his reaching fingers again, “Hannibal, please...”
But Hannibal was not about to give up so easily, “I'm not letting you do this alone.” His hand was now only centimetres away from Face's arm and Face was jammed into the corner of the room between the wall and the wardrobe, nowhere left to go. At last he looked up and their eyes met, and then there was a long, low moan, like an animal in distress and Face slid down the wall onto the floor, curling up on himself as he landed in a heap. Hannibal was appalled, “Face,” he reached out to close the gap and Face twitched back.
“No...” he moaned.
Hannibal dropped to his knees in front of him, near but not touching. “Why not?” he asked again and this time Face just exploded.
His eyes, swimming in tears and wild looked right into Hannibal's. “Because he's ruined it! That's why! He's ruined me! You saw what he did to me boss, what I let him do to me! So where does that leave me now? I'm...” he searched desperately for the right word. “I'm tainted, filthy,” his eyes dropped once more, shame clouding his expression, “I'll never be clean again,” he whispered resolutely refusing to meet Hannibal's eyes, his fists clenched in front of his face.
Hannibal thought he could actually feel his heart breaking in half. “You're not, kid,” he whispered, longing to close that distance and touch. “You are the most beautiful person I have ever met, both inside and outside. Nothing he has done could ever change that.”
Face shook his head again, tears standing on his lashes. “He's made everything we have ever done putrid and foul.”
Anger bubbling just under the surface, Hannibal clenched his fists. “No he hasn't. That was what he did. What we have done is love each other, shared our love and shown our love. Right, kid? You know I love you, so, so deeply, and you love me, right?” Face nodded dumbly. “So, nothing's changed.”
There was a beat of silence. “I've changed.”
This time it was Hannibal who shook his head. “Not to me. To me you are still the same beautiful boy I love more than life.”
Face screwed his eyes closed and shoved his fist in his mouth, Hannibal moved an inch closer. “You can't love me,” the voice was almost lost in his hand.
“I can and I do and I will do forever. You just have to trust me. Do you trust me, kid?”
Face nodded, his eyes still shut tight.
“Then show me,” Hannibal whispered, “I'm not going to force you into anything, Face, ever. You need to show me you trust me.”
For a long moment, Face didn't move, but then, still crushed into the corner of the room, eyes tightly closed, he unfurled an arm and blindly stretched out, his fingers splayed, reaching out for Hannibal. “Boss,” he whispered, his voice breaking over the word, “I need you.”
His reaching fingers found Hannibal's t-shirt, latching on tightly and that first move now been made, Hannibal reacted with lightening speed grabbing Face round the shoulders and closing the gap between them, meshing their bodies together, holding Face's head against his chest, feeling the sobs that wracked his lieutenant's body as his fingers clung tightly to Hannibal's t-shirt.
“Oh, baby,” he whispered, his own throat almost too tight to speak, tears welling up from his eyes, “you've got me, for always and forever, I'm yours. Don't ever doubt that, don't ever worry, I'm yours and you're mine. I love you, kid.”
Face just clung on harder, his face buried in Hannibal's chest, sobs tearing through him as Hannibal folded himself over him and gave in to his own tears, fingers carding through Face's hair. “It'll be alright, sweetheart, I know it hurts, I know how much he hurt you, but it will be alright, together we will beat this, don't you ever doubt us.”
He leaned over and starting pressing kisses to the top of Face's head, smelling his shampoo. “You are everything to me. My sunshine, my life, the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me. I have wanted you for so, so long, since the first day I ever saw you, I think. You did things to my heart that day that can never be undone.” He paused for a moment, just loving the feel of Face pressed against him, clinging to him as he soaked Hannibal's t-shirt with his tears, he wished it was in better circumstances, but this is where they belonged, together like this, and he was damned if he was going to let Jefferson ruin this for them.
“I never thought I'd find someone I could love,” he continued, “someone who could match my drive, who could keep pace with my life, who could push me forward and pull me back when I needed it. You're that and more, Face. You inspire me, you make me a better person. Stronger, wiser, able to see the world from a whole new angle. My life is deeper and richer and infinitely more satisfying just by having you in it. And having you as my lover...” Hannibal shook his head and squeezed Face tighter, “God, Face, what I ever did to deserve that treasure, my beautiful, beautiful boy, I will never know.”
Then he had to stop and squeeze his eyes closed as he thought of all the pain that bastard had put Face through, the sweetest, kindest, purest person he'd ever met, reduced to thinking of his love for another man as putrid, it was heartbreaking in the most tragic way possible.
Slowly, as they wrapped themselves up together, the tears dried and the sobs subsided and they sat, still and silent in the quiet of the room. Time ticked on and Hannibal wondered if Face was sleeping, still crushed up against his chest, when he heard his voice, hoarse and muffled, the pain clear in every syllable. “Boss, it's true I'm not the person I was last week, and I don't know if I ever will be again.”
Hannibal kissed his soft hair again and cupped a hand around the back of his head, protecting him from the world. “If you are talking about us making love,” he whispered back, “then that has always just been the icing on the cake. I have every confidence that you will get back to being that person, and I am happy to wait however long we need to get there. Six weeks, six months, six years, baby. As long as we are together, I can wait forever.”
At those words Face shifted, lifting his red rimmed eyes up to look at Hannibal. “You are saying that now, boss, but will you feel so patient in six months I wonder?”
Hannibal just smiled at him. “Before I slept with you kid, I hadn't been with anyone at all for five years. Five whole years. You must have known that, it was all you three went on about, calling me a monk and other such endearments.”
Face returned his smile with a shallow one of his own, “Yeah, sorry about that, boss. If we'd thought it was true then we would never have said it.”
“I know, kid, don't worry about it.”
They lapsed back into silence and after a few minutes Hannibal felt Face tense slightly in his arms and waited for the next question. “But then,” Face eventually asked, his voice quiet even in the still of the room, “if we did decide that's what we wanted to do again, then...” there was another heart wrenching sob, “how could you bear to touch me now?”
“Shush, shush, shush,” Hannibal squeezed him in again, “I won't have you talk like that, sweetheart, like you are in some way tainted by what Jefferson did.”
“But I am!”
“You aren't. You are still you, beautiful and pure and just because he stole from you, it doesn't reflect on you at all. And if we decide that's what we want to do, then I will just feel honoured, all over again that you would invite me to share something so intimate with you. You're all I want, Face. For me it's you or nothing, always has been.”
At last Face lifted his head again and this time the fear and shame were gone, replaced instead by the beautiful shine of hope. “Really?” he asked, almost as if he hardly dared hear the answer.
“Really,” Hannibal reassured him, smiling through his own red rimmed eyes at the face below him.
Face adjusted his hold on Hannibal, slipping his fingers out of the death grip they had on his t-shirt and sliding his arms around the boss's waist so that he could squeeze back, meshing them even closer together. “I love you, boss,” he whispered and yet again Hannibal's throat tightened up, knowing damn well that that was the first time that Face had ever uttered those words to anyone.
“I know you do, kid, and God, I love you back.”
They slid back into silence again and within a few minutes Face's breathing was deep and even as he slept soundly in the arms of his love. Hannibal held him, watching out for the nightmares that never came and knew then that they would survive this. It would never be easy, he was no fool, but he knew they would do it; there was no way that he would let Face go the same way as Sean and Corporal Harvey. This was his boy and his love and Hannibal wasn't going to let anything get in the way of that. Not ever.
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Date: 2011-09-17 02:16 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-09-17 06:51 pm (UTC)Thanks also for taking the time to comment, I really appreciate it!