Mission Five: Chapter 16 - “What a right royal fuck-up we’ve made of this, yeah?”

[indigo_angels]

Darkness had fallen by the time the whole story had been relayed, and apart from clarifying a few points here and there, Hannibal hadn’t spoken, he’d just stroked Face’s hair, or his back or smoothed up and down his arm or pulled him a little closer as he stumbled through the train journey to Irkutsk, or the forest around Omsk. When Face had stopped at the moment he’d kicked through Hannibal’s door, the boss gathered him even closer, pulling his head into the gap under his own chin and dropping a kiss into his soft curls.

 

Face waited, panic starting up in the back of his mind; maybe Hannibal wasn’t able to understand, maybe he felt the anger, disgust and disappointment that Face had feared so much.

 

Eventually Hannibal drew a huge, shuddering breath in and Face braced himself for the absolute worst, for the boss to say the words that he’d heard so many times already in his own head...

 

“Oh, my god,” Face closed his eyes, as he felt Hannibal shaking his head above him, “My poor, sweet, brave boy... I knew it was going to be hard for you, but I had no idea just how bad.” Those arms were warm around him and Face felt something inside him start to crack open.

 

“You have done so, so well, with all of this, Face. Christ, kid, I am so proud of you.” Face blinked and tried to sit up, but Hannibal held him still. “All your decisions - made in the heat of the moment, under the most incredible amounts of pressure and yet you still held it all together. You juggled shit loads of crap and still managed to track me across two thirds of Russia! People died? You’re a soldier kid, sometimes people get killed, that’s the nature of our life.”

 

“But...” Face swallowed hard, “I left you!”

 

“You had to,” Hannibal soothed. “You knew damn well what you were doing, kid, and you did the right thing. We were caught well and truly on the hop, you were a man down, a man injured. What would have happened if you had stayed and fought?”

 

Face just shrugged in his arms.

 

“Don’t bullshit me, kid. You know what would have happened, now spill.”

 

Face let out a long sigh, “They’d’ve taken us down, probably fatally.”

 

“Exactly,” Hannibal breathed into his hair, “and you knew that, that’s why you got your men the hell out of there. Regrouped, came back with a better plan at a better time. Face, you read the situation perfectly, you acted quickly and appropriately. Why would you doubt yourself?”

 

That was one conversation that Face really wasn’t going to have so he quickly shifted to the next thing on his mind, “Boss... those farm kids...”

 

“I know...” Hannibal smoothed one hand through his hair and kissed in its wake, “But you didn’t take them from their village, you didn’t force them into wielding a gun. They might have been country boys but they would have killed you, or Murdock or BA, so you needed to do what you did, Face. I would have done the same.” The gentle, unrelenting pressure of Hannibal’s arms slowly pulled Face back down to lie on his chest once more.

 

“And Anya?”

 

“Oh, kid,” Face could feel the slightest chuckle under his cheek, “I think after getting her away from those sex traders anyone would forgive you anything with her. You were upset, it was a heat of the moment thing, you apologised. It’s over.”

 

Face mulled that over for a few minutes, the feel of Hannibal’s hand in his hair calming him enough so he had the nerve to finally ask, “And the Provodnik? On the train?”

 

Hannibal’s hand in his hair never paused, but the silence stretched out into minutes before he let out a long breath. “Face. You are mine. You know how I feel about this. It doesn’t matter what the circumstances are, whether you are running the show or not, you know I hate the fact that you think it’s okay for you to use your body in that way.”

 

Face sighed. They had had this conversation to death over the years, and it was usually at this point that Face would make some comment about his body being his best resource and how he should use it to its full potential, but somehow that didn’t seem entirely appropriate at the moment.

 

“I can’t stand the thought of anyone touching you like that...” Face could feel the tension in Hannibal’s arms and knew that the boss was trying so, so hard to keep a lid on his temper.

 

“We wouldn’t have got onto that train if I’d not bargained like that,” he whispered and felt those arms twitch tighter.

 

“I don’t know Face, I wasn’t there. You asked how I felt and I’ve told you, even though you probably already knew. I don’t hate you kid, I don’t feel disgust or disappointment... I feel sad that despite everything you have going for you, you still rate yourself so low that you would let someone use you like that.”

 

Face felt hot tears sting his eyes and he turned his face into Hannibal’s chest, trying to blot out the pain that those words lanced through him. The thought, I wasn’t being used, I was using him! ringing empty even to his own ears. He felt Hannibal’s arms tighten even more around him, and that big hand slide onto the back of his head, cupping it securely, holding him close. “You forgive me, boss?” he asked, hearing the child he used to be in that voice and hating himself for it.

 

Hannibal squeezed him so hard it was painful, “Forgive you? Oh, kid, I’m so sorry...” Face tensed in his arms; Sorry? Oh, god, no forgiveness then, this was too hard for the boss after all... “There’s nothing for me to forgive you for,” Hannibal continued, his broken voice full of remorse. “I’m the one who should be begging your forgiveness, I’m the one who made you go through all that!” he continued and a little bubble of hope inflated in Face’s chest, tempered only by the pain in the voice of his love.

 

He shifted his head so his words came out clear, if exhausted, into the darkness, “John – please don’t. Your understanding is all I need. It wasn’t your fault; it’s not like you were captured on purpose!”

 

“That’s not what I mean,” Hannibal replied quietly, “I’m your CO Face. All these years I should have been preparing you for this, training you for your own command, equipping you with the confidence you need to make all these shit choices without letting it grind you into the dirt.” Face shook his head but Hannibal just held him tightly against his bare chest and continued. “Thing is though,” it was almost as if he were talking to himself, “I never really wanted that for you. I wanted you to stay by my side forever, tried to keep you down when I should have been helping you to soar. I didn’t teach you any of those things as I never actually wanted you to go off and do them! I’m so sorry kid, I’ve been unbelievably selfish, but from right now, things change.”

 

Face shook his head again, “Hannibal...”

 

“No, listen to me Face, this is wrong! This whole business in Russia has proved it! You have all the ability you need, you just need the confidence to follow your convictions and...”

 

“Hannibal...”

 

“...you’re going to be a damn fine commander, I’ve always known it, if I hadn’t held you back you would at least be a Captain by now. That could be our aim, kid, by the end of the year; Captain, what do you think?”

 

“Hannibal...” Face lifted his head from Hannibal’s chest and looked at him in the dark of the evening, “No,” he shook his head again, “that’s not what I want, not at all.”

 

Smiling affectionately at him, Hannibal lifted a hand and stroked his cheek, “I know kid, I know you feel settled with me and safe, but you are worth much more than this! It wouldn’t have to change anything between us if you didn’t want it to, I mean I know we might not see each other as much, might not be together all the time, but I’m sure we could swing similar postings, Russ would still want you in his command somewhere. It would be worth it in the end.”

 

Yet again, Face shook his head and wondered if Hannibal was being deliberately obtuse, “No, boss,” he whispered, “it’s not what I want. I don’t want my own command, I don’t want to stay with the General,” Hannibal frowned in confusion and Face sighed. “Hannibal,” the atmosphere in the room suddenly tightened, “John. I don’t even want to be in the army anymore.”

 

For a second the look on Hannibal’s face was one of utter shock, but then he quickly schooled it back into passive neutrality. “Look, kid, I know this whole op was hard on you...”

 

“It’s not that, Hannibal. It’s just not me; I can’t do this anymore. I didn’t handle one damn thing right without you, I made mistakes and people died, hell, even my own team fought against me!” Hannibal’s eyes narrowed at that remark, “I was a complete fuck-up.”

 

“No! Face, you need to listen to me! You are damn good at all of this, one of the best! I’ve told you that all along, you know how much you impressed me after you were transferred into my unit. Your potential is limitless. This is a hurdle, that’s all, it might have knocked you down a bit, but you’ll bounce back!”

 

Face tried to pull away, but Hannibal only let him sit up, keeping him between his legs on the sofa, “Maybe I don’t want to bounce back,” he told him, eyes solemn, “maybe I just want out.”

 

There was a minute of silence as the two men stared at each other in the darkness. “You don’t mean that,” Hannibal eventually whispered.

 

“I’m sorry boss,” the honesty in Face’s voice was obvious, “but I do.”

 

Hannibal leaned over and flicked on the reading lamp and then sat up again, regarding him carefully. There was no sign of teasing in those bright blue eyes, no sign of a temper tantrum either and Hannibal sighed as he began the think that perhaps Face might just be serious about this. “So,” he asked, not really wanting to hear the answer, “what instead? You got something in mind?”

 

Leaning back into the cushions with one of Hannibal’s legs in the small of his back, the other across his thighs, Face turned his head to the window and looked out at the darkened sky. “I could go back to college I suppose,” he offered, and finish it this time, Hannibal thought since he knew damn well that Face had got into the army with forged documents. “It worked out okay for Piper.”

 

Hannibal sighed, “You want to be a doctor?” he asked, surprise in his voice, “Well, you can be anything you want to be, kid, you’ve certainly got the brains. But don’t forget Piper was already halfway through Med School when he joined the army. Wasn’t too hard for him to finish up once he’d left. And he left the army to spend more time with his family, kid, your family is...”

 

When Hannibal stuttered to a halt and Face turned back from the window, smiling at his CO, “My family is here, with you, boss. I know that; it’s the only reason I’d stay. The only reason I came back at all.”   

 

Again the atmosphere in the room changed, but this time it seemed to crackle and fizz with electricity. Hannibal’s hand reached out ever so slowly until it was cupping the side of Face’s cheek once more, the thumb rubbing along the prominent bone under his eye as Hannibal tilted Face’s head to just the right angle, “My one, sweet boy,” he whispered, as much to himself as Face. “The day you came into my life was the day I started living. What I ever did to deserve this much love and happiness with you, I will never understand.”

 

A red flush spread out under Hannibal’s palm, “Boss...” Face muttered, embarrassed, but Hannibal just pulled him in.

 

“You are everything to me, Templeton, absolutely everything,” and before Face had chance to complain again, Hannibal’s lips were on his, soft and slow and gentle, teasing him open, making him desperate for more. It had been a long, long time since Face had had this. Too long. Last night had been... different. Yes, it had fulfilled a need, a deep burning need, but it hadn’t been this, and god, he’d missed it.

 

He shifted in Hannibal’s lap, twisting around in the space between those hard thighs, rubbing their hips together through their shorts, pressing his mouth harder, more securely to the boss’. He felt Hannibal’s tongue push against his lips and he opened up, welcoming him home, sucking him in where he would never leave and at the same time, his hand brushed against the hard heat pushed up against the fly of Hannibal’s shorts and he started rubbing, firm circular strokes that soon had the boss panting in his mouth.

 

“Last night,” Hannibal whispered, pulling away just enough that his words fanned out over Face’s still wet lips, “What was all that about, kid? Why wouldn’t you let me love you properly?” He felt Face tug against his hands but held on grimly, dropping their foreheads together, “Come on, don’t try and run from me again.”

 

Face slid his hands over Hannibal’s and held on, trying to find a way to get the words out of his mouth. “How could I?” he eventually whispered, “I didn’t deserve it.”

 

“What?!” Face winced at the anger in Hannibal’s voice, “You didn’t deserve my love? What kind of crap talk is that?” Again Face tried to pull back, dropping his head to his chest when Hannibal wouldn’t let him and so he felt the long exhale of breath as it ruffled to top of his hair, “I’m sorry, Temp, come here, I’m sorry.” Face let himself be pulled in until his head was resting back on the top of Hannibal’s chest and he could turn his face to stare out across the room.

 

The five minutes of silence was like a blanket over them before Hannibal eventually spoke again, “I shouldn’t have shouted, I am sorry.”

 

“It’s okay boss, I don't blame you for any of this.”

 

Face’s words were barely out of his mouth before he was jerked backwards off Hannibal’s chest and found himself looking into his boss’ furious face once again, “No! Because you are too busy blaming yourself!” Hannibal shouted and Face just stared at him.

 

“God damn you Face! You make me so mad! No one ever pushes my buttons like you do! What do I have to do to ever get anything through to you?!” Face’s mouth opened, but in the force of Hannibal’s anger he had nothing to say. “I fucking love you! I’ve been telling you that for almost seven years! When the fuck are you ever going to start believing me?”

 

Without giving chance for Face to answer he pushed on, still shouting into his lieutenant's face. “And when I was captured and when you were in Russia, I missed you! I missed you so much it was like I was empty inside! All I wanted to do when you came home was love you. I didn’t care where you’d been, I didn’t care why you’d stayed, I just wanted that special moment we can create where there is no one else in the whole damn world but us! You know what I mean don’t you?” Face nodded dumbly and Hannibal’s anger suddenly and abruptly evaporated, replaced instead by a sadness so absolute that Face could almost reach out and feel it. “But you wouldn’t let me,” he whispered, his eyes holding on to Face's, “You shut me out and only let in the bits of me you wanted. Damnit Face! You made me hurt you!”

 

Face blinked rapidly to clear his cloudy vision and reached his thumb up to wipe away the moisture rimming Hannibal’s eyes. “I’m so sorry, boss,” his voice catching on that last word.

 

Again Hannibal just deflated, “I know you are,” they slid back into each other’s arms, “and so am I, kid, so am I. What a right royal fuck-up we’ve made of this, yeah?”

 

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