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Six Times Face Cried - Time Two
Sep. 13th, 2011 08:57 pm..2..
I didn’t see him again until that last week of Ranger school down at Camp Rudder. I’d actually given up hoping I’d see him at all, had heard from some of the other boys that he’d been looking them over a couple of times while we’d been in the Mountain Phase of training, and I knew damn well he’d not been anywhere near me. But I forced myself not to care, I’d be alright without him, never relied on anyone before in my life, sure as hell wasn’t going to start now.
But he surprised me, should have expected that from him, I mean, he doesn’t have that crazy reputation of his for no reason, right?
We were on a swamp walk; I had point because I was shit hot at that. Maybe it was my faulty wiring working for the win for once, but things stood out for me, it was harder to hide from someone who saw in patterns, camouflage didn’t work so well. I knew we were being shadowed, could see the shape thirty meters or so to the left the whole time we were trekking through. I wasn’t sure why he was there so I let him go for a while, he could have been an instructor who wouldn’t thank me for ruining his gig, or a ‘hostile’ just waiting for his chance to attack, but either way I decided to wait and see.
My opportunity came a kilometre in from the end, he hunkered down in the mire to watch while we set up a rope bridge and I decided to take my chance, dropping right down into the water, and circling around behind him, intent on sneaking up and scaring the shit out of him. I didn’t quite get that far, he heard me as I was a couple of meters away and swung around, knife raised as I mirrored him perfectly. For a minute we just stood there, staring at each other, and then a slow smile spread across his face as he lowered his weapon.
“Good work, kid,” he said, his voice carrying to the rest of the boys who were now watching us through the trees, his smile reminding me of the damn alligators I’d spent the last few weeks studiously avoiding, “you think you can get one over on me then?”
I kept my face neutral – how the hell was I supposed to answer that? “Was just checking you out, sir,” I replied evenly, “Didn’t realise you were doing the same to me.” Oh, shit. How the hell had that slipped out?
To my immense relief, the Lt. Col. laughed and sheathed his knife. “0400 kiddo,” he said as he turned and waded away, “outside the Mess. Full pack and be ready to run. You think you can check me out? Let’s see if you can catch me first.” I watched him go, a weird heat squirming around inside and felt a thrill of anticipation run right through me, one that died the second I turned back to the guys and found them watching me, the coldness of their eyes a warning I should have taken far, far more seriously.
____________
I’ve still no idea how they got one over me like they did. I’m a suspicious person by nature, it’s a skill I’ve picked up over the years and it’s certainly helped me to survive. But, thinking about it now, it’s obvious they did. At the time, however, I was so busy being convinced I’d made yet another monumental fuck-up, it never even occurred to me to blame anyone else.
Something must have been slipped into my meal, how, I’ve no idea, because I have no memories at all of that night, a total blank until I woke up with the call at 0500, blinding headache and fully dressed. I hardly noticed the sneers and the laughter as I tore through the barracks, grabbing my kit and hauling my ass out of the door in double time.
I could see him the second I turned the corner, still trying to get my pack on as I ran and the relief I felt that he’d waited an hour and ten minutes for me was instantly evaporated by the look on his face.
“Lt. Col. Smith, sir!” I gasped as I skidded to a halt in front of him, “I’m sorry, sir, I-” and all the air was knocked out of my chest as he swung me round by my t-shirt and slammed me into the wall.
“You little fucker!” he hissed and I could see the absolute fury in his eyes. “What in fuck’s name do you think you are pulling on me here!”
I couldn’t speak. The lack of air was problem enough, but the rest of it was worse. I could see it all fading away once more, that dream, that chance, just slipping away through my fingers; just as I thought it was mine. I tried to force some words out, any words, begging, pleading, any fucking thing, just to make him stop looking at me like that, just to try and prise one more chance out of him.
“No one tries to make an ass out of me son, you got that?” Just as I felt the air filling up my lungs once more he hauled me off the wall and slammed me back again, so hard my pounding head almost cracked open. “And I was willing to take a risk on you! Despite all the shit in your file, despite the queues of officers ready to bad mouth you, I was willing to put my butt on the line for you and this is what you do? What the fuck was more important than this, this morning, hey?” I just stared, wide eyed at him, “You just crawled out of some bint’s bed?”
Every last crumb of hope just withered and died at those words. He’d read my file, of course he had, and he’d been willing to overlook all the crap in it just to give me a chance. But now? Way to go, Peck, perpetual fucking screw up... Now he thought I was just some brainless whore, that the attempts I’d made at genuine intimacy were base attempts to shag my way through the whole fucking camp, just like Major fucking Anderson, who was so pissed that I’d got my chance with that cute Captain Pica, after she’d told him where to go and stick himself, that he felt the need to write all my ‘exploits’ up in my file. I seemed to be making enemies with the higher-ups with alarming ease, but I knew none would be as dangerous as the man still holding me up against the wall.
“I should kick your skinny ass from here to Benning and back!” he snarled at me, shaking me again, his grip so hard his knuckles were white. “But unfortunately I’m fucking stuck with you now, the General has already pushed it through, I should have run a mile when I saw he was so keen! Doesn’t matter how good your scores are kid, once a fuck-up, always a fuck-up!”
Through the pounding in my head and the shakes that were now gripping my whole body I tried to work out what he was saying to me... I was in? I was still in his unit??? The relief washed through me and dangerously tightened the back of my throat as I forced myself to make eye contact, sucked in a breath to thank him, to promise him that he wouldn’t be disappointed in me ever again, but then he spoke once more, his voice low and dangerous. “But listen to this, Peck, and make sure you understand every word I am saying to you. You may be in my unit, but you are not part of my team. I will whinge and moan to the General every damn day until he gets you off my back. You got that?” I just stared at him in horror. “And until that day, you keep your head down and stay out of my face, is that clear? I don't even want to see you!”
And there it was, the world finding its natural position as far as I was concerned. How stupid of me to think for one second that I could have had anything else. I stared blankly at him, perversely thinking how annoyed I was with Father David for ever telling me I could achieve anything I set my sights on and then he let go, shoving me into the wall one last time for good measure. By now of course, I couldn’t give a shit. Knew the last few days here would be hell on earth, knew that everyone would know how I had screwed up the chance that most recruits would sell their balls for.
Smith turned and stalked away, the anger obvious in every step that took him further away from me and I turned too, aware for the first time of the crowds arriving for breakfast looking at me in shock, pity, amusement, satisfaction. My legs carried me off, a brisk walk turning into a jog, turning into a run as I found myself on the assault course, mercifully empty of fellow students. I ran hard, throwing myself into every obstacle until my wildness, my fatigue and the growing blurriness of my vision saw me falling from the wall, landing face down in the mud at the base, and just giving in, sobbing as the utter futility of ever trying to better myself finally reared up to claim me. And all the while, all I could hear in my head was that deep voice saying that damning truth, “Once a fuck-up, always a fuck-up!”, over and over again.
Next
I didn’t see him again until that last week of Ranger school down at Camp Rudder. I’d actually given up hoping I’d see him at all, had heard from some of the other boys that he’d been looking them over a couple of times while we’d been in the Mountain Phase of training, and I knew damn well he’d not been anywhere near me. But I forced myself not to care, I’d be alright without him, never relied on anyone before in my life, sure as hell wasn’t going to start now.
But he surprised me, should have expected that from him, I mean, he doesn’t have that crazy reputation of his for no reason, right?
We were on a swamp walk; I had point because I was shit hot at that. Maybe it was my faulty wiring working for the win for once, but things stood out for me, it was harder to hide from someone who saw in patterns, camouflage didn’t work so well. I knew we were being shadowed, could see the shape thirty meters or so to the left the whole time we were trekking through. I wasn’t sure why he was there so I let him go for a while, he could have been an instructor who wouldn’t thank me for ruining his gig, or a ‘hostile’ just waiting for his chance to attack, but either way I decided to wait and see.
My opportunity came a kilometre in from the end, he hunkered down in the mire to watch while we set up a rope bridge and I decided to take my chance, dropping right down into the water, and circling around behind him, intent on sneaking up and scaring the shit out of him. I didn’t quite get that far, he heard me as I was a couple of meters away and swung around, knife raised as I mirrored him perfectly. For a minute we just stood there, staring at each other, and then a slow smile spread across his face as he lowered his weapon.
“Good work, kid,” he said, his voice carrying to the rest of the boys who were now watching us through the trees, his smile reminding me of the damn alligators I’d spent the last few weeks studiously avoiding, “you think you can get one over on me then?”
I kept my face neutral – how the hell was I supposed to answer that? “Was just checking you out, sir,” I replied evenly, “Didn’t realise you were doing the same to me.” Oh, shit. How the hell had that slipped out?
To my immense relief, the Lt. Col. laughed and sheathed his knife. “0400 kiddo,” he said as he turned and waded away, “outside the Mess. Full pack and be ready to run. You think you can check me out? Let’s see if you can catch me first.” I watched him go, a weird heat squirming around inside and felt a thrill of anticipation run right through me, one that died the second I turned back to the guys and found them watching me, the coldness of their eyes a warning I should have taken far, far more seriously.
____________
I’ve still no idea how they got one over me like they did. I’m a suspicious person by nature, it’s a skill I’ve picked up over the years and it’s certainly helped me to survive. But, thinking about it now, it’s obvious they did. At the time, however, I was so busy being convinced I’d made yet another monumental fuck-up, it never even occurred to me to blame anyone else.
Something must have been slipped into my meal, how, I’ve no idea, because I have no memories at all of that night, a total blank until I woke up with the call at 0500, blinding headache and fully dressed. I hardly noticed the sneers and the laughter as I tore through the barracks, grabbing my kit and hauling my ass out of the door in double time.
I could see him the second I turned the corner, still trying to get my pack on as I ran and the relief I felt that he’d waited an hour and ten minutes for me was instantly evaporated by the look on his face.
“Lt. Col. Smith, sir!” I gasped as I skidded to a halt in front of him, “I’m sorry, sir, I-” and all the air was knocked out of my chest as he swung me round by my t-shirt and slammed me into the wall.
“You little fucker!” he hissed and I could see the absolute fury in his eyes. “What in fuck’s name do you think you are pulling on me here!”
I couldn’t speak. The lack of air was problem enough, but the rest of it was worse. I could see it all fading away once more, that dream, that chance, just slipping away through my fingers; just as I thought it was mine. I tried to force some words out, any words, begging, pleading, any fucking thing, just to make him stop looking at me like that, just to try and prise one more chance out of him.
“No one tries to make an ass out of me son, you got that?” Just as I felt the air filling up my lungs once more he hauled me off the wall and slammed me back again, so hard my pounding head almost cracked open. “And I was willing to take a risk on you! Despite all the shit in your file, despite the queues of officers ready to bad mouth you, I was willing to put my butt on the line for you and this is what you do? What the fuck was more important than this, this morning, hey?” I just stared, wide eyed at him, “You just crawled out of some bint’s bed?”
Every last crumb of hope just withered and died at those words. He’d read my file, of course he had, and he’d been willing to overlook all the crap in it just to give me a chance. But now? Way to go, Peck, perpetual fucking screw up... Now he thought I was just some brainless whore, that the attempts I’d made at genuine intimacy were base attempts to shag my way through the whole fucking camp, just like Major fucking Anderson, who was so pissed that I’d got my chance with that cute Captain Pica, after she’d told him where to go and stick himself, that he felt the need to write all my ‘exploits’ up in my file. I seemed to be making enemies with the higher-ups with alarming ease, but I knew none would be as dangerous as the man still holding me up against the wall.
“I should kick your skinny ass from here to Benning and back!” he snarled at me, shaking me again, his grip so hard his knuckles were white. “But unfortunately I’m fucking stuck with you now, the General has already pushed it through, I should have run a mile when I saw he was so keen! Doesn’t matter how good your scores are kid, once a fuck-up, always a fuck-up!”
Through the pounding in my head and the shakes that were now gripping my whole body I tried to work out what he was saying to me... I was in? I was still in his unit??? The relief washed through me and dangerously tightened the back of my throat as I forced myself to make eye contact, sucked in a breath to thank him, to promise him that he wouldn’t be disappointed in me ever again, but then he spoke once more, his voice low and dangerous. “But listen to this, Peck, and make sure you understand every word I am saying to you. You may be in my unit, but you are not part of my team. I will whinge and moan to the General every damn day until he gets you off my back. You got that?” I just stared at him in horror. “And until that day, you keep your head down and stay out of my face, is that clear? I don't even want to see you!”
And there it was, the world finding its natural position as far as I was concerned. How stupid of me to think for one second that I could have had anything else. I stared blankly at him, perversely thinking how annoyed I was with Father David for ever telling me I could achieve anything I set my sights on and then he let go, shoving me into the wall one last time for good measure. By now of course, I couldn’t give a shit. Knew the last few days here would be hell on earth, knew that everyone would know how I had screwed up the chance that most recruits would sell their balls for.
Smith turned and stalked away, the anger obvious in every step that took him further away from me and I turned too, aware for the first time of the crowds arriving for breakfast looking at me in shock, pity, amusement, satisfaction. My legs carried me off, a brisk walk turning into a jog, turning into a run as I found myself on the assault course, mercifully empty of fellow students. I ran hard, throwing myself into every obstacle until my wildness, my fatigue and the growing blurriness of my vision saw me falling from the wall, landing face down in the mud at the base, and just giving in, sobbing as the utter futility of ever trying to better myself finally reared up to claim me. And all the while, all I could hear in my head was that deep voice saying that damning truth, “Once a fuck-up, always a fuck-up!”, over and over again.
Next
